Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
