i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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