I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
