How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
