Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
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Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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