Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
