My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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