Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
