U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
