hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
