Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
