I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
