My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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