I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
