he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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