Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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