Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
