i think my mom watched the whole time
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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