i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
