I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
