girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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