i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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