we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
