One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
