i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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