found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
