My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
