This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just pee around me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
