why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
