I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
