He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
