someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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