I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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