I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
