I met the friendliest cop last night
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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