i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
