Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
