I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
