i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
