Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
