he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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