Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
