Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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