my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
