checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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