apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
