I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
