I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
