Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
