Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
