Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
