I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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