Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
