Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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