guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
