Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
